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25 January 2011 @ 01:54 pm

I'm getting exceptionally tired of being a douche to my LJ f-list. I'm just...ignoring it. And that's not right.

Can't promise I'm changing for good, but I'mma try. All those comms I lurk on? Yeah, lets stop lurking. According to some people, I'm actually funny and bubbly and people like me. So to hell with my stupidity, I'm going to be who I'm supposed to. Starting with FIC. Original fic, to be exact. God knows how long ago it was I asked if y'all would be okay with me posting Originals, so here we go. Your first taste of my mind...well, my mind at 3:30 in the morning when I couldn't sleep and didn't want to text anyone in fear that I'll wake them up and my muse just randomly bashes me in the head. With a rubber chicken. Or, at least, that's what it felt like when I was writing this. I don't like it. But it's there. It's taunting me. And I know I need to actually post shit again. So. Yeah.

Title: Recede
Fandom: Original, I think?
Rating: PG-13, just in case.
Word Count: 685.
Disclaimer/Copyright shizz: I DO NOT OWN OPENING QUOTE. Nope. That's all Matt Bellamy, Dominic Howard, and Chris Wolstenholme. AKA Muse. The rest of it? Totes mine. You CANNOT HAVE. It was written 3:30 AM, Tuesday, January 25th, BY ME. Hannah S. In my bed. On my phone. Then was edited sometime later the same day. COPYRIGHTED, DAMMMIT, I RESERVE RIGHT TO SUE!


Can’t you see that I am needing, begging for so much more than you could ever give? And I don’t want you adore me, don’t want you to ignore me when it pleases you. And I’ll do it on my own. ~ Muscle Muesum by Muse.

It hurts. Knowing that, had I been more cautious, had I looked a little further, I could have seen it all. Could have known what was to come. It’s tight and painful, like something is pressing inside my chest, against my lungs, cutting me off from take deep and regular breaths. And something, some tendril or another, is winding itself around my heart. Squeezing tight at random intervals and causing my body to shudder and twitch in spasms unwanted.

An ache behind my eyes. Tears that simply won’t come to the surface, no matter what I try, how much I need the release a single sob could bring. A twinge in my back as I turn, the burn of a regular heat in my cheeks. Knowing that it’s all in my mind, that it isn’t real. But it comes with no remorse, no tentativeness or hesitancy in its blunt force.

And the feather moon recedes, blue skies come to reign. Colors fade, blackness begins. Hands hold me down and shoot pain across my nerves, sparking fire, thunder, and lightning. Loki and Thor’s wrath falling upon the able body of the young. I hate it. Hate this. Hate you.

Hatred running so deep, so carved in my skin it marrs the soul, but it can’t really be hate. Hate has never been a chasm like this, never toyed with thoughts of friendship and comfort and tender words with calming effects. This can’t be hate. I can’t hate you so much and still desire to feel encompassed in warmth and light you bring. I can’t. Simply and not so simply can’t.

Red molten against crisp white and it begins again. A cycle. A fear. A desire for it all to end. Prayers and hopes and dreams. Nightmares and hallucinations and the dead. No one should have this much control, whether in flesh and blood or soulless entity.

But I let you. Simply because you don’t ask, don’t even realize I want you to. You watch from half-lidded eyes at every other word and I want to scream, want to cry, want to sing the final verse that has not been written yet.

Out of voice, out of pain, out of rotted flesh and stinking blood. And I hate this and I’ll love you but you won’t love me.

Simple. Not so simple. Don’t you see? This is a cycle, this paralytic dream, it’s all out of a love that is never to come. Because if it were this would end and I don’t want it to. But I hate it. I hate you. But I want it and I want you.

Cycle, cycle, cycle. A forever blurr of the lines, of the sporadic leaves on the trees branches. Green becomes wood. Can’t go back, don’t want to go back, must go back. I don’t want any of it and yet I do and I just don’t understand my own mind again. I understand I fear. I understand that something in me boils. I understand that I will never understand anything but this. This moment in time, suspended as the world turns white and the people fade and I’m left alone. And the drums will come, spontaneous and painful to the ear, announcing that life has ended but I still go on.

Dreaming I’m alive.

Dreaming I’m hurt and there’s laughter and damn all if I’m not scared straight but I can’t bring myself to really care. Because I’m alone. Finally. Without you always beside me, taunting me softly. And, yes, there are traces of what was there before but it’s faded now because I’m alone. Alone and fearful and in a worse pain than before, but somehow it’s better and somehow it’s worse.

I didn’t want you to go but there’s relief now that you’re gone.

I just want the release.


Fear more fic in the future. I have stuff to unload.
Current Location: Dominatrix Dom's Bedroom
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: Uno (Alternative Version) by Muse
30 November 2010 @ 01:50 pm

So, it's the last day of November. Do you know what that means, oh friends list? ....what's that? Holiday fic exchanges? No..well, yes, but-- Secret Santa? Of course, but-- Yes, yes, there's the holiday prompts, but I'm talking about NaNoWriMo! Geez.

As you very well know, I've been throwing myself against various walls/sharp objects this entire month, trying to get victorious in my goal of 50,000 words with hundred of thousands of others all over the world. It was much more difficult than I anticipated. I ended up throwing out a hastily put-together outline early in the book and, with some inspiration from people around me, switched goals halfway through the book. I went from a very carefully structured future where everything is crumbling down to a medieval past where the same is happening, only in much subtler terms. I've come to create characters I love deeply. They have taken a much deeper, complex form than the majority of characters I've made before. I'm not gonna lie and say that the people I've come into contact this past month have nothing to do with that. Many of the people I've talked to, interacted with, and even just watched from the sidelines has played a part in my novel.

You see, I've never thought that character's could only take after their author. I, of course, know that a large part of my emotions and being goes into each character I form, however that does not complete the character. If I just used myself in creating these characters, I would never make a novel that could be read realistically by others. Therefore, I;ve both consciously and subconciously observed the people around me, putting small parts of them into each character. Sometimes it was the subtlest thing, some facial feature I never talked about but could see in my mind's eye, making it easier for me to have this character go about in the world I made. Other times it was something larger, a speech pattern, a name, an opinion I heard earlier.

With that said, I want to note that this novel was not created alone. The people I love and know have formed this novel just as much as I have, even if they didn't know it. The people who listened to me ramble on about NaNoWriMo have helped doubly so. They've allowed me to moan and groan when I was behind, helped me talk it out until something clicked in my head, they constantly asked how it was going and reminded me to keep at it. These people are epic. It is by their hands that I've managed to, somehow, write this novel.

Of course, Cast Your Eye Tears is not finished. Yup. It lacks both ending and a revision, seeing as it is a poor first draft. However, I'm not going to touch it the entire month of December, per suggestion of other winners and NaNo staff. I'm taking a break and coming back with a fresh mind. That said, I've started a new book mainly because I've started those 'NaNo Blues' already. Cast Your Eye Tears has been a blast, and I loved the journey in stretching the boundaries of my writing capabilities, but I need to break away from that exquisite world and delve myself into a new one. My new novel, Handprint to the Heart, has awaited me with open arms since earlier this month. It took the backburner with grace as I worked furiously towards my end goal, but now it beckons me forth and I'm not ignoring it any longer.

Anyways. I have an excerpt of Cast Your Eye Tears if anyone wants to take a gander. It's not too long, I don't think, but I'll save it for another post. Oh, look... BADGES


Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: Dancing Through Life-Cast of Wicked


I has attention? Good.

So, if you know me, you probably know that I'm not hugely into Harry Potter. Nope. In fact, I kinda never liked it. But recently I've been...well, kinda drooling over the trailer for the new movie. It looks good. Really, really good. I was thinking about maybe waiting until some of my movie watching sites come out with it and then catch up on all the movies just to see if I might possibly, maybe enjoy the books (since everyone knows the books are always better than the subsequent movies). I've always been a fan of magic and wizardry (I've obsessed with Merlin since it came to NBC. Now I watch the series on Casttv.com before it even comes to the US. Don't you love those Brits?), I've just always thought Harry Potter was overly acclaimed.

I think this stems from when the movies first came out. I don't recall where exactly it was, but I think we were in Hollywood and it was the opening premiere of the movie. I've always been rather small, and we were just trying to get to the car so we can go home seeing as it was a five hour ride back and we wanted to egt home at a decent time, but there was a huge crowd of people waiting in line to see the movie and as we were struggling through the crowd there was a ginormous scream of rabid fangirls/boys and I was knocked over in the rush. I lost a tooth that day. I never found out who they were rushing after, but I'm fairly certain it was one of the actors who sent over a security gaurd who sat me down with the first aid kit.

So, yeah. Bit of a dislike of the hype that is Harry of the Potter. However, knowing the growing interest inside me, listen to this. Yesterday evening as I was getting ready for bed, mom calls me into the room talking about a mom of a couple of my friends. She says that Danielle, the mom, got tickets for her whole family to see the Midnight showing of the new Harry Potter movie. Good for her, right? Well, Chris, her son, had already got tickets for him and a friend so she was left with an open ticket for a friend of her daughters to go. Of course, this is on a school night (Thursday) and she knows of very few people who'd let their children stay up that late when they have to go to school the next day and did I mention that I homeschool?

Yeah. Mom has been rearranging my school schedule so I can do things all this week. Babysitting, helping make food for families. I went to the zoo not too long ago with some friends. Needless to say, mom likes me social. So Danielle and mom ask if I want to go and, knowing that I have said opportunity and said budding interest, I say yes.

So, this Thursday, I'm going to see the new movie. But the thing is...I KNOW NOTHING! T_T Someone help me here. I have very little clue what Harry Potter is even about, other than it's a wizardry school or something, so if anyone wants to clue me in, tell me where I can read the books (online, preferabbly), or WHATEVER, I'd be thankful.
Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: Anyway You Choose To Give It- The Black Ghosts
12 November 2010 @ 08:52 pm
Ok. So, mucho excite about how I handled the kiddies today. There were a couple temper tantrums, a dish broke (which is what I get for being nosy and trying to put the dishes in the dishwasher away and letting the kids help me, I suppose), and the kids mostly wanted candy and danimal's, but it's like saintly-hood in comparison to my nephew who, I swear, is the worst devil child out there.

He has more temper tantrum's than you can imagine and, if he can help it, someone WILL get hurt.

But the majority of the time was spent playing Call of Duty, watching movies, eating Mac & Cheese, giving piggy back rides until my back hurt major shiz, bouncing them on my knees, tickle fights, and general happy fun tiemz. I diffused the majority of temper tantrum's by talking softly for a couple minutes to them, then walking away. Super Nanny style. I swear, the woman works wonders.

Joe, the middle child, was the worst, and even then it wasn't too bad. He wanted a danimal's before dinner and I refused, saying it would be his dessert and I already gave him candy, so he went on to whine about how he hated Mac & Cheese and all. I walked away to him screaming in the background, helped Raymond with Netflix, gave Caroline a bit attention, then went and made the food. Not even half way through, Joe asked me if it was alright if he ate two bites. I bargained four, he agreed...and then ate the entire plate. I was very proud.

All the kids finished dinner and we went to watch Star Trek and have tickle fights and general love fest. The kids were allowed two cookies each, danimal's, and a banana. Precious little monkey's, they were.

Bedtime is eight thirty but, knowing kids, I decided to try and get them to start bedtime a bit earlier at eight. Caroline, who already had bags under her eyes and was quieter than before, went to bed herself with a little crying and a tearful 'night night'. It was adorabibble.

The boy's were a little tougher. I finally bargained that they could watch TV for thirty minutes (see? I ish sneakziez) before they had to go to bed. When I went back in, Joe was sound asleep, and Raymond tried to convince me that his parents let him stay up and watch TV. I turned the TV off, told him that his mom and dad told me bedtime was at eight thirty, and that I was powerless over everything. I closed the door, went outside and stood for a moment to make sure the TV wouldn't be turned back on. I heard him say "those guys are so mean..." before all was silent. I'm near positive he's asleep now.

But a little while ago freaked me out. I kept hearing this high pitched whistle, kinda like a tea kettle going off, but it was faint...if that makes sense. I would go close to where it was and there would be no sound whatsoever. I checked on the kids and there was nothing. I chalked it up to me being a dork, but I still am occasionally hearing the sound. It's either very short bursts or a very long one that goes away when I come near it. It's extremely strange....

I'm fairly certain I'm just hearing things, but who knows.

Anyways, I've been half-browsing LJ for the past thirty minutes and can I just say....I MISS YOU GUYS! D: Holy crap, where have I been?! Y'all have been crazy without me and now I feel horrendous. I'mma try and be better about the whole disappearing act, but it's tough sometimes trying to balance everything. I'm actually becoming somewhat social outside of the interwebs, which is a new thing for me, really. About three years ago, there's no way I'd ever be babysitting or have as many people around me, loving me, as I do now. It's been mindblowing these past two months, seeing so many people come around me.

Heh. My birthday, last month, I had expected to just spend with my family watching that movie, Red, which I had wanted to see the moment I heard it was coming out (oh, Karl Urban, you smexy beast....). In the end, I had a friend make the party 'official' and we went out for sushi, the movie, and frozen yogurt at the end of it all. I can happily declare it one of the better birthdays I've had....though I'm not sure it tops my three days at Disneyland that one time. I mean, how can one beat out the happiest place on earth?

But yeah. Things are shiny over here. I'm feeling much better about the You Know Who Liking You Know Who Else situation as well. I mean, I'm still devastated, but things haven't changed in the least. He hasn't mentioned her since last Sunday, I gave him a belated birthday present (a mix CD, actually. God knows what I was thinking, but he seems to have liked it...but who can go wrong with Apocalypse Please and Time Is Running Out, right Olgs?), and the girl he may or may not like who is also the dearest of friends gave me this huge, long hug the moment we stood close enough for her to grab me. It was awesome.

We also had movie night that night. Saw Secondhand Lions. Seen it before, but it's an awesome movie. So sad and yet so humorous all at the same time. I almost wish I was a guy so I could get the What Every Boy Needs To Know To Become A Man speech...

My foot's asleep, so I'mma shut up.
Tags: ,
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Still nothing...holy ellipses, Batman, what does this mean?!
12 November 2010 @ 02:22 pm
I'm multi-tasking! Probably a bad thing, but I'll take the moments I have.

First off, I have an issue with Twitter. My fam is kind of cautious because none of them have accounts on there and they'd rather keep up with something I do online (they don't have LJ's either), but they're Facebook fanatics. So we're thinking about me switching over to FB (which, I believe, more of my friends are on, as well as some of you). Rest assured, if I'm following you on the twit, I will not stop following you if we switch over. I'll probably keep some alerts up, save the RPer's, and might text you or whatever about some of them, but me officially on twitter would be a no-no.

But we haven't decided yet, so don't worry. I'm just MIA on the twitter factor for now. And I will never quit LJ, my dears. I love you all and your craziness too much.

Second, OMGOMG! BB!CAROLINE IS SPEAKING TO ME! I think only Olga would get that, but I'mma explain. I'm babysitting right now, and a beautifully adorable girly by the name of Caroline (who shares the name of my niece) rarely speaks to or around me, and right now she's being most adorabibble with her...cabbage patch doll (which, honestly, have always creeped me out, but at least it's not a Chucky doll or whatever...damn. Why did I have to think of the one doll who somewhat gave me a supernatural experience as a child? Why?!).

Anyways. She's adorable and I'm loving her so hard right now. All snuggled on the couch, blanky wrapped around her, a hundred dolls spread out next to her. UGH! IT KILLS ME WITH THE SWEET FLUFF!

I suddenly want to add a bb!girly dedicated to Caroline in my novel. But that would be cruel, seeing as the book deals with drugs, prostitution, a failing government and justice system, ghosts, and...well,you get the point. So..yeah.

Speaking of, totally behind on the novel. Over 6,000 words. D: I've just kept ignoring it aaaaalll week. Totally the combined fault of the camping trip, hormonal...junk with You Know Who as the cause, and me. I've just been ignoring it. It's not like I have writer's block or anything I'm just...uninspired. If anyone wants tto randomly deck me out with, I dunno, carnie, futuristic, or steampunk stuff, I'd appreciate it. I need something to get me back into the spirit.

Or a good whooping. I could use that too.
Current Location: Babysitter's Ward
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful
Current Music: ....nothing, for once...weird.
05 November 2010 @ 01:52 pm

Alright, so I've been slightly obsessed with Repo! The Genetic Opera lately and it is, in fact, part of the inspiration for my novel (eh...pretty much just set in a failing future type world and a brief side character has the name Mag, though she's nothing like Blind Mag). Of course, my favorite character's are Graverobber, Shilo, and Pavi. What? Pavi's insane and I love him. It's some strange, peculiar fascination about what's under that woman's face...what happened to his face and how he's so hapy and sex crazed...

But ANYWAYS. I found out, whilst browsing a Shilo/Graverobber pairing comm, that Terrance Zdunich (actor, writer, composer, and singer extraordinaire AKA the man who created Repo! and acted as the Graverobber)  had a twitter account. So I, with my twittering wisdom, searched him up and followed him (regardless of the fact that he mainly just talks about his comics and promotes them...) and via that went to his website. COCKROACH'S. EVERY FRIGGIN' WHERE.

I have no problem with our insectual friends who have survived since the beginning of time. In fact, I was fascinated with the fact that every time on Heroes, whenever Sylar was injured or killing and/or killed someone, a cockroach would scurry by. I once spent day on day in a cockroach infested house (wasn't pleasant, I'll tell you, and I did kill many cockroaches, but hey. I'm not keen on wild cockroach diseases), I've had a cockroach land on my FACE while I was asleep. But I'm not afraid nor do I hate the cockroach race.

However, the fact that a man with such brilliant talent, whom I rather fangirlishly respect, raises them?

Well. I'm slightly disturbed and entirely too intrigued. I think ontdcreepy has brainwashed me. Darn you all.

Then again, this intrigue may also have to do with the fact that I no longer wear matching socks, am completely fascinated by steampunk, made a pervy joke (in public! pervy jokes are normally reserved for friends who know me well enough (aka Olga) or my own mind) the other day, and dressed up as a half bird thing for Halloween. And want to do it again.

Possibly this is tied into my new hobby of origami, my want to sew random costumes (mostly steampunk...dammit), my deep longing to wear a wig and/or extensions one day, my experimentation of crazy makeup, and so on and so forth.

I have no clue what it all means, other than I'm one messed up so-called artiste. No, really. Apparently I'm at the stage where, as I'm determined to write this novel, I'm also meant to 'find myself'. If that's the case, then dear God, I pity my RL friends. They're going to be lost in my mass early-life crisis. Hell, I'm already lost. And I want to go to Hot Topic and buy a corset, then go to Hobby Lobby and Garden Ridge for some fabric, and get started on that steampunk outfit. Plus, hair extensions. Lord, how I want hair extensions.

But, instead, I have to spend the weekend at camp. Camp. In November. With 30-60 degree weather. On my first camping trip ever.

The only good part about it is that I might finally see someone who, after I sent a very deep and telling email to, has not replied or contacted me in any form. I haven't seen him in over a week, and I'm slightly frightened. Anyhoo. I have to go pack, then see if I can scoop another thousand words out of my brain for CYET (yup! I just did that) before we have to leave.

See y'all on Monday!

Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: Some Radio Station...No, I'm Not Checking
04 November 2010 @ 12:50 pm


*needs to stop with the caffeine and spiced apple cider*
Current Location: Prepping For A NaNo Sprint
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: Florence + The Machine Playlist
03 November 2010 @ 06:23 pm
So. A couple hours ago I got to that one scene that every writer comes across. You know, the one that, as soon as you write, you want to scrap it and start fresh. God. It COMPLETELY sucks. And I'm not allowed to edit it. Edits are completely reserved for December. GAH!

And there's more! (Insert drum roll)

So, this weekend I'm going to a church campout. We're gone by 5:00 on Friday and back Sunday afternoon. The entire church, plus a few others, are going to be there. I'm staying with a group of people my general age and we're going to do odd, non-NaNo related things like chili cook-off's. We'd said we would be going way before I even thought of NaNo, and there's no way I can force the parents to back out, despite my NaNoWriMo Quarantine.

So. I'm supposed to write 1,667 words a day (I love my word goal calendar...it's the wallpaper for my computer and it's HILARIOUS...and true) to make the entire month. But I have to double and triple that word count to get the 10,002 words I need by the end of the week BEFORE I leave on Friday. Then I have to bring dozens of notebooks, print out the last page I'd written, and continue working on it in what downtime I may or may not get.

T_T I really need to go write.

But instead I re-did my icons and now have some lovely NaNo, Muse, Florence + The Machine, and Chris Pine icons. To quote one of the NaNo icons I came across: fuck.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Girl With One Eye-Florence + The Machine
29 October 2010 @ 05:57 pm

Current Mood: amusedamused
29 October 2010 @ 12:34 pm

GAH. Ok, so I downloaded the Love Never Dies, Next to Normal, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, and Repo! The Genetic Opera soundtracks, right? I did all this a few weeks ago, starting with LND and N2N, and it all went fine. It played fine on iTunes, I put them into playlists in the order I wanted, I was in Musical Bliss. I synced my iPod, Jack, and thought it was fine. N2N played completely fine (though I forgot to put the finale, Light, in), but LND had huge issues. Some songs would play, then after a while skip to the next song without finishing, or simply not play the song. I was completely confused.

I tried rebooting Jack, re-syncing him, everything. Then I went on with Sweeney and Repo! a couple days ago, downloaded them with joy and ease, synced 'em up, and went to listen to Terrance Zdunich and Johnny Depp serenade me, but lo and behold, Sweeney was fine and Repo! had several song glitches. I was appalled that I didn't get to listen to 21st Century Cure, Zydrate Anatomy, Legal Assassin, Mark It Up, Thankless Job, and the full joy of several others.

So, fed up, I went and grabbed my phone (oh, Rashida, I mean it not when I scream that I hate you and your terrible slowness and incapabilty of posting to LJ properly, writing fics for me, or signing onto AIM. I love you), pulled up google, and searched up my issue.

Well, I'd been ignoring the iTunes update thingy because I was just getting used to the last one and thought it ridiculous to change it all now. But, apparantly, that was the cause of my problems. Without updating, I risk not listening to new music.

Frankly I find this ridiculous. I should be able to stick to the version I want and still listen to what I want when I want. It's as simple as that. I have a friggin' birthday present to create that relies heavily on the participation of iTunes and such, not to mention fifty-billion playlists to create for later this month when I need inspiration writing Cast Your Eye Tears (my novel! Squeee!).

Anyways. I'm downloading it all now and it says it needs to restart the computer to finish up. God, I hate iTunes right now.

*is hormonal wreck on a period*

Current Location: The HouNaNo Boards
Current Mood: crankycranky
Current Music: NONE *Glares at iTunes*